Picture Perfect!

“…But it only a picture” I calmed myself.
Don’t get mushy… (lol)… Still the question lingers on “Why”? In my earlier post I said, “Dunno…” Seriously, I dunno…! You ask me repeatedly and last night too. I don’t owe anybody an explanation; I never did but now want to. Hmm…I’m confused?

Shocked? Hmm…ain’t all minds think likewise. Well, don't we experiment? Press some buttons, see what happens. I like to experiment. I would sell my soul to Mephistopheles and settle with a caveman. Hmm… Ain’t the idea thrilling?

Nah! To tell ‘ya “its quicksand” and slowly you sank watching everyone die a slow, agonizing death. I mean first of all, it suck you right in, and even if you scream, you get all that muck in your mouth. I never tried to defend just walk on. With clowns and queens [referring to others] having a date with hook-ups I turned hostile playing “Find a cutlet; lock in early, grind with all night 'till…” always a piece from cutlery. I played the game.

I was ‘unsure…’ Yea, that’s the key. The right word indeed *I was unsure*.

Look around and there are housefuls of clowns. Just because he's got a bigger boat he thinks he can take up the whole river. I wish there was something…(something) worthy to laugh about.

Flip the pages from life and you’ll know I’ve changed to an uncooperative, insolent, flippant, combative, anti-social, excitable (think of all likeable adjectives) *moron* for I met more frickin' backstabbers. Bastards! They ripped me down to my *soul*.

“I was alone my heart was cold, it was a stone
My soul was lonely like a stone - there was no moss…
And when I danced
I danced alone because I *was* alone.”

Nah! They all are ‘always friends’ ‘always cousins’ (Do you know straight friends? I never liked clowns they only serve as guinea pigs to my unsure expeditions). Some did coz’ ‘what I am’ others ‘coz they had ‘me’ in closed chambers. The stench, the muck, the lies of ‘friendliness’ now irritates me, scares me. I don’t trust ‘friends’ and ‘love’ anyway. I am devil’s best child he bless me *ill-fate*.

I fled. Having pulled myself to a new line (rather I crash landed and now rebuilding it again) I spilled down everything. My life, my early success, (yea, I was famous professionally) my career, my preferences – everything and start branching out new. I am lucky doing it endways. I've got to start focusing on what I'm doing. Self-realization (lol) I was thinking of the immortal Socrates, yet I’m not ‘Him’. I can’t hide myself, I can’t always deny, disguise, or escape. I can’t be unsure anymore when I’m certain.

So, let’s face the harshness with equal cynicism and be a rebel. I pity my heart for I strangled and gagged it. Honestly, I am now a dead meat. But I still long I dunno ‘why’ but I do.

Does that pull you?

Partially ‘YES’!

To tell the truth I’m still too soft if you crack the crust. If you peel me I cry. You ain’t a clown (nor the other two’s) nor a friend. I ain’t scared of you neither do I *hate*. Picture Perfect! Twinkle eyes, mischievous smile, dimple cheeks “you a face, a chat box, coded bytes” mysterious. A picture, a chat box and I still I love thee. Yea! For once in lifetime I know ‘One’ who won’t betray. How could a picture betray? I am safe. You can’t *use* me…you…you…! Strange, ain’t it?

A faceless figure, whom I never meet, knows the deepest secret of my life. Truths that I won’t share with others told to a stranger. I, who has never agreed to throw an explanation, now willing to…I say I owe you ‘One’. I spend the best of my hours decoding the cryptic bytes, playing wit games, being guileless and Original. I could message you nonsense (hoping you’d read them all) while you close the window and I won’t know. The person on the other hand reply to me, listen to me, laugh with me, flushes, blushes, in fact, ‘You’re same as me”.

Crank! Oh, I’m a madcap and outrageously blunt. There dwells a lonely ache. I’ve caged myself for years now like to soar high. You, a reason – A joyous reason, did that hurts? I won’t deny I seriously am in ‘love’. You!