Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Another bad day to start

Today is another bad day...speaking of blood. I jus wanna hit somebody in the road or smash a plate on the floor and scream my lungs out in the lift. Acting a *proxy* was like goin’ straight to hell. Well, I tell you…the next time, if I’m asked to pick up roles, I should be a bully and non-accommodating.

First, there’s the mess and then all said, “there’s no process”. Gawd, I believed. Likely, I skipped over a few and that sparked-off a series of cribbing, fussing, and reworking today. The man (as they say, ADMIRAL) acted like a high-school bully while I was completely lost. I couldn’t figure out “what they ask for” or to be politically correct, “how much they ask for?” I know I’m being a newbie trying to make things fit into the right portions but need f****** help from my team. But no, they aren’t so cooperative… the lack of neurons in my brain that triggers response just further shrivel and die. I just stand there not wanting to do anything because there's no thought in my head or willingness to answers to any question(s). It’s a wicked indulgence. Didn't they have any butter pecan?

I couldn’t think further. And in situations, I just shut down, paralyzed, unable to switch focus from one situation to another. Anxiety builds rapidly and that drives people crazy or give ‘em an edge over.

“Life is so upside down. I am at zero.”

I imagined mile after mile of oak and beech trees, casting dappled shadows over roe deer peacefully grazing in the woodland glades like the milky way. The words are strange here, the air is cold. The fruit is less sweet, my feet are on thick winter ice and the thrum of bicycles makes an odd music across the cobblestones. And when I go for a walk and there’s no one around, I’m rejuvenated and HAPPY.

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