Enter the life of a modern Learning Analysts and first time in the life, I felt “beautiful”. Hmm! Slicing the morsels of tortes filled with warm rhubarb compote with a pair of flatten baguette chinoise and sipping expensive wines at best pubs…I’m the thinking machine, the Enlightened One.
A promising paycheck than the career path, swarm of lovely women by the side but none to love; dressed heavily with remodeled versions from the house of *PRADA* complimented with hi-tech thingamabobs. The air around me smells of Dolce and Gabbana thickened with attitude, phony smiles yet elegant as I snigger…I chided—I’m the *Shrew* Unleashed.
It feels great! EVERYONE wants this. Everyone wants to be *us*.
Hmm…Are you truly a One? Tsk…tsk!
Well, enter my private chamber as I wash down the painted face; each cut, each scar, each burn—a different mood, a different time. Unacknowledged, I go uncredited - a freakin’ hussy, a “mud puddle” to the corporate kinsmen. If you ain’t an Instructional Designer lemme explain.
First a job that promises to uncurl every compartments of your mental state and challenges the *intelligent* within. No designs, no instructions, no information…”The client wants a simple program to tutor a group who’re aware but nerdy”. Make a simple one…easy and engaging. You burn volts of night lamps; shredded reams of paper; kissed the coffee cup night-long. Struggled to find a more engaging learning aspect and tossed, smoked, and scratched the scalp. Bling! Bling!
Clueless yet you hit the bulls***. Got an idea and time to start working “somethin’ outta nothing”. Morning breaks; breakfast lay cold in the coffee table as you run to the computer to head-on the most grueling task. But fail…wonder, why ain’t it working? “It must be” your Project Manager says, “Need help…dial M”. Oh! A gentle soul…a true Messiah.
Hastily you opened the inbox and scribbled a secret message to the great *genie* “Need SME”. Like a judge in the courtroom he thumbed down and wrote politely, “Request denied”. Did I say “a gentle soul”, “a genie” — well, they must put him in a lamp to do the trick. Clueless! Still you make ‘somethin outta a nothing’ and goes uncredited unacknowledged.
Weeks passed. Client meets in the teak-wooded chamber with glass window looking at the monsoon sky. Raindrops dripping from the olive lip, smoky cups of coffee laid, whiff of Gabbana filled the room. He adjusted his thin frame over the shapely nose and toss the lukewarm hair—smiled at you *slyly*; heart thumped. The air around turned foul; it smelt strange you angled to the door but there are MEN in the room to overpower. You’re clueless.
The projector roar and more than that the client, “It ain’t engaging”.
Why didn't you just crawl into my bed and ask a bedtime story? You nerdy. You looked around.
Eyes fixated and lips stitched. The Project Manager is dead. The Delivery guy wears an anxious look and the other one broke to *yawn*. (Yea…Yea! I know u Men. The same thin’ is goin’ to make it and all of you will be the silent witnesses). The banter, over cups of bitter brew and stacks of crusty sandwiches is goin to be livelier than the chutney. You plead your case. “This is what we had and understood. We desperately needed a SME to spell it out but they’re unavailable”.
He sniggered. “Losers make excuses”.
Wat? Loser…who? Fielded against 15GDs and 7PDs who’re nothing but clumsy and inept. You worked and then re-worked to make the model suits them and to the client. A lone soul with no input still you try and designed…now, this guy calls ‘loser’. Huh!
“I didn’t like the interface”, the client roared. But that’s your design, Sir…you defend politely. “Is it? No…ooooh”
You mumble and look for a defence. The counsels yawned, blinked, eyes wide opened—they’re dead. The client tucked his hand to his waist and fingers playing the trumpet. You go through the long list of names and issues not to reveal…You’re asked not to spill, not to spit “gulp the whole thin’.” Queer things goin to happen.
Aaah! You’re into a strip club for a nice heavy package. You’re called Learning Analyst (correction) the private secretary to everyone in a corporate environment standing under the billboard that reads “My ass is on DISPLAY”. They all need a free hump starting with graphic designers who will ask to make simple graphics, programmers who complain of complicated applications, requests from Project Managers to complete tasking within 24-hours (the budget is too low and he’s always into cheap sex), then comes Delivery head who’s always locked in his room and thinks himself *a Great man*. Lastly, the client who un-appreciate and wants a zanie baby sucking his d*** under the table.
We did it all but let’s forget the learning elements. Still, wanna know what makes me order tortilla over the sandwiches…huh! Come to the life of Learning Analysts aka Instructional Designers in a corporate environment.
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