Friday, July 6, 2012

Yearning, Longing (Alone in City)

I ain't a brood yet, there's nothing significant left to live after AZ depart. In fact, what he has left behind are the 'cherished memories' and a life; and continued. We still talk over the phone, although, it costs me damn. But, nothing worth than listening to him. (He is gradually settling down. Good.)

As for me, here's a few lines that wraps it all.

- I -
Hath the blossomed spring, be withered away, from my orchard
For, my dear love, left me to my own.
The butter bed, now longing for a body, to crumble its folds
But, dear sleep - hath kept me awake, all alone.

- II -
Yunhi kuch baatyon ko, bayan karne ki, izzazzat nahi hoti...
Ab, hum tanha kyun hai? yeh, kaise kahe?

Sojourn love.

Sunday, July 1, 2012

A Leftover to Survive!



Scrawling the unkempt corners – a shirt, a memento, an empty bottle and the mobile number (that won’t be dialed now) is what's left. My fingers run through each of these, rested on few, and hold – to clean. Then, placed them back to where they were; in dust, of unkempt corners of my household.

Morning is dripping out…but I ain’t moving by a single bite; except of a few cups of tea – sweet and bitter. A silence speaks, a dog bark, and sheathes of breeze fly by my dusty household. I’m still the motionless like the shirt, the memento, the empty bottle and the number (that won’t ring again).

No, I’m not dead. I got leftovers to survive.

A New Beginning, A New Journey, Let’s re-start.


AZ left to face his new destiny; and I am left. In a land that never belongs to me (and would never be) I’m set to re-start, refresh. Four years and maybe a few months to add; I have lived. But destiny thought otherwise and here I am again, trying to re-start.

The journey of from zero to about forty, if I have to rewind, I must confess to have lived the last four years and maybe a few months to myself. The rest has gone – in high and low sails. And, the following might pass in high and low tides again.

Let's walk again.

Monday, June 4, 2012

Welcoming Gloom. A Life Interrupted.

AZ is leaving for a better future. I am happy about it but a faint; yet pricking, pain numbs me. I wish him a good life forever but I wish myself more fervently, to get healed. I know I’ll go alone and love will be lost – but, ain’t I am fated to.

Friday, March 16, 2012

Cooking Myself a Chinese

Let me start as a usualer. And, start shooting the Blame Gun to somebody for all the mishaps. But, first I need to find a suitable one. (Tough job, huh!) Moron! What are you ranting now? Last evening, I put my culinary skills to test and I successfully plated the noodles from China that was not chewy or half-cooked; but, crunchy like fried potato chips. Urrgh! 


Happily, I got no guests and thus, all of it goes to the trash along with the eggs and favourite prawns. Sighs! Excuse me, I ain’t a bad cook but it is the repetitive news flash on a goofy railway budget that dared to go a facelift from its usual economical look; got a ‘didi’ huffing and panting.  The blamehammer is going to fall pretty hard solely on the Tweedledum and Tweedledee. 


NO. I wasn’t bothered about the hike causing a hole in the wallet; rather it’s a deserving move that a government could’ve opted earlier. But, that menopause stricken ‘didi’ howling foul and lunatical that got me distracted. By that time, the oil was mercurial hot and I add the noodles to the pan – all in hurry. The Lunatic Barbie starts rolling before the camera. (Yeah! Yeah!) I know I could’ve saved the noodles but, the baldy-headed, parrot-nosy; about-to-exit Railway Minister basking in the glory of his 60-seconds of famedom started his speech. I clutch to my hot seat and stick to it like glue. So, does the noodles. (Humph!) 


He is the current ‘Joan of Arc’ trying his best to be the national hero; who fall prey to the Moody Cow from Bengal and agrees to take the last walk before he gets beheaded without a trial. Pitiable! Ain’t so? The entire nation will witness his ‘sacrifice’ with anticipation and my hungry heart try to sniff the blood or the noodles that left on the pan undisturbed lest they meet a fate that the minister is about to. 


By now, the noodle starts losing its softness and got a dirty look. Yet, it wasn’t as dirty as the recent telly tube where a 40-plus rich hero attempts to consummate his marriage of convenience with a 30-plus middle-class wife. An ‘invisible lip-lock’ stirred the nation that has written a 1000-page pictorial book on ‘art of love’; centuries ahead. What a farce? 


My ever-maniac soul now brimming with libido restrained my body movement, except of the baiting eyelids...like any other Indian householders and give-in to the gesticulating temptation in secrecy. We are, otherwise, asexual. I could now smell the steam and the about-to-get-burnt noodles on the pan. Wink! There wasn’t anything flashing yet...we flushed through. Huff! 


Oh! By the time, it all finished, I’m left with a plate of Chinese noodle that tastes like fried potato chips; and an open lid trash bin. Grrr!

Saturday, March 10, 2012

A Brief Holi-day!

After a long haul, since I made my journey to 'this side' of the subcontinent; the world and its rituals seems to have changed to unknowing. Till, one day (after five years of hiatus)  I found colors smeared on my face. Happy Holi-day.! Life isn't that colorless as I often make myself believe.

Regards
My Sojourn Self

Thursday, March 1, 2012

How Am I in 2012?


It’s been long to revive and write something back. Though, not worth yet a lame effort to talk!

The year starts uneventfully. I am still waiting for some official documents to get published and status is ‘doomed to pending’. Now, the bright-chinned dark son makes no effort to dig a fortune for himself. Rather, he seems to have casually accepted to surrender. Is this a sign to grow old like the world around me? Possibly!

Peoples around me, rather, growing like plump organic foods – sweet, pulpy, and juicy. In comparison, I weeds start weakening my joints, my breath is now controlled and often end with a sound of huff. When I read from the archive, I could sense ‘being mellowed’. Meow! Forget tickling the funny bones; I seems to have fractured that and now under wraps. Interestingly, I improved from being ‘a boring brood’ to ‘an insignificantly normal’ – deaf, dumb and paralyzed. In brief and precise, I am a big rotten vegetable. Arch!

Growing old and being insignificant is so borgasmic. (Hmph!)

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Gays and Societal Repression - My Take


After following the news that ‘Malaysia condemned Muslim gays’, which we all have got and breathed heavily in secrecy; even though it is for a second; and now when the topic is being sensationalized peppered with views from two different tangents as its support system to rationalize – I like to take a dig. (Well, it’s my gay-ic habitat to dig at this and opine.) 

The discussion open two threads – how historic values being distorted and how convulsed religious belief (esp. Muslim) lead to condemnation of gay liberation worldwide. 

Histories or no histories – of a nation / state or country have ever influenced society towards ‘gay tolerance’. If that would have been the case, then countries like India, Pakistan, China or United Kingdom would have never seen the rise of LGBT movement within themselves. None of these nations, till date, are full-fledged tolerant to LGBT commune. (No matter, how vehemently we feel proud about being ‘a gay’ we all are closeted at certain levels.) [Brickbats following my way…] Expecting the entire world to be tolerant is like believing to a ‘doomsday’ and sky to fall. 

Since I am not a privileged ‘globe-trotter’, hence, I would not like to take case studies of different country, irrespective of my knowledge about world histories and social system. Therefore, I use India and its varied social systems, which I have lived and experienced as the baseline for the talk. 

Indeed, we are old as ancient, like the white-flowing beard of Abraham; with rich heritage influencing our architecture to literature to social system. We are first to have exalted ‘pornology’ and named it ‘Kama Sutra’. A book that combines ‘philosophy’ and ‘science’ in a very spiritual way yet sexual all-through – a theory which has never been countered worldwide. When you look at the book closely, it gives way to some of the interesting theories in a sublimated way. 

First, ‘sex’ is most important part of our living because ‘a good sex can liberate mind, soul and body from the baser instinct to a spiritual orgasm’. (I wonder why most of the gays from PR snigger when others discusses about sex and only sex – doesn’t our glorified history or philosophy support people to think, talk, eat and sleep sex all through.) 

Second, ‘sexuality’ is practiced and got many forms – which are naturally acceptable. There is nothing wrong being a bisexual or zoo-philia or being dominative or kinky; our most exalted literature and murals on the walls of famous temples depicted them with acuteness and adorned. (Why do then, most of the gays from PR turn vindictive to bisexual profiles or domination; leave apart the zoo-philias – people will get heartache, if somebody confesses?) Interestingly, none of these have shown pedophiles or female infanticide, which are man-made and un-natural.

If observed, these paintings or murals are done on the walls of temples or Buddhist caves – which means ‘sexuality’ in any form leads to liberation. Thus, when your minds have done it, and the baser instincts are satisfied then you concentrate on spiritual liberation. A starved and seeking mind can never attain god-likes. Period!
  
I might be going wayward but not exactly. The reason to highlight the above point is largely to societies have always undergone changes, which fashioned our lifestyles and thoughts, time-to-time; irrespective of how glorified the histories of a nation were.  It is therefore the social system but, even that have seen changes in a most rapid form, since its evolution. The community of transgender and trans-sexual have played a formidable role in many of the historic periods of Indian governance but ignored later. We have tales of Timur but nobody knows about admiral Zheng from China. (Sic!) In present world, therefore ‘transgender’ are looked upon with disgust, fear and abhorrence; even among the so-called ‘gays’ who don’t accept them as their own but with reservations.  

So, a society always changes under the influence of a political reign. In this context, a similarity could be found between the thread and Malaysians. Now, a political system of a country do draw its influences from the religion that majority practices. In this case, the most controversial – Muslim beliefs is under the scanner.

Coming to Muslims and its fanaticism, ‘yes’, too many cooks have spoiled the broth. But, this is applicable to Christian countries also. In fact, Muslims tend to practice what Mohammed preaches but Christian follow what nobody have stated by stealthily putting them under Jesus’ gown asking the follower to ‘suck him up’. Surprisingly, one of the above comments try to equate Vedas and Koran and Bible (though I am not a right-wing fundamentalist) yet the comparison is absurd.

Vedas are all-comprehensive yet liberated i.e. the interpretations are individualist whereas Koran and Bible are to a large extent, self-governing; thus leading to repressive interpretations. All three have discourses on ‘ways of living’ yet Vedas or Upanishads have never ceremoniously dictated their ways instead stress on the fact, ‘liberation of mind and soul from the worldly ways’. Thus, those who follow it can always interpret the readings in more translucent and individualist order. This is also applicable to Buddhist order.

Comparatively, Mohammed or Jesus in their preaching, have been restrictive and stress on ‘few world functioning as the way to attain liberation’ (like, ‘condemnation to homosexual feelings’ (which is clearly dictated by Mohammed and Moses)). What Jesus and Mohammed have failed to realize is worldly order and society undergoes changes with time; instead they have acted upon more like ‘god’ who knows the secret of life, hell and heaven. Vedas, Upanishads and Buddha never treaded therein.

Now, the teachings or ways of Mohammed are so restrictive that invariably it leads to self repression; which is not a good way. A man or a woman, when follows self-repression tend to have urges towards what is denied. My experience with Muslim men shows that ‘…they practice homosexuality or bisexuality or zoosexuality with ease but never discusses or accept openly.’ Similarly, countries which followed the teachings of Mohammed to bring societal regularization have often witnessed large number of gays in closeted or practiced homosexuality but in denial. In fact, when Article 377 was not diluted we have practiced it and most of the PR-profiles have enjoyed it. In fact, those who were real-time gays or transgender have their own world with own governed rules and we played what we believed with an honesty.

After dilution of 377, what Indian society has witnessed is large number of men folk joining the brigade claiming to be ‘gays’ but act more an opportunists or ‘sex-escapade’. They tread into the gaydom, largely for cheaper and easier way to ‘f***’ or ‘get f***’ thus, causing confusion among the gay order itself and the society. We have lost the rules of game, we have lost the fun and turn into ‘sex slaves’ or ‘whores’ to be precise.

Why I am ranting so much? The reason – I believe, is because, a society must have certain regularization else too-much democratic way leads to nothingness. It is too early to be panicky or shocked with the news. We need to look at how Malaysia and the states, in discussion, take the ruling to the people – if it leads to a catastrophe then we might need a serious discussion. We must agree ‘majority of the world is a householder’ and gayism is an opportunity but inherent practice. [Rest in peace.]

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Searching Paigah Tombs @Hyderabad

It was to keep the dead peacefully, after they are gone. The sunny surroundings warming the cold bodies in dark graves are a refreshing ‘find’ to otherwise, ruined historic Hyderabad. In fact, I’m bored looking at the city ruins – dilapidated and sandy; a painful eyesore.

And, after three years of haul; finally the discovery is enthusing in many ways. The rich stuccoed and intricate ‘jalis’ of Paigah Tombs, or as locally famous ‘Maqhbara Shums-Ul-Umra’ tucked in one of the dingy alleys is almost a discovery or invention. Created in 1787, the several generations of Paigah nobles were found to have their graves in this particularly gorgeous mausoleum where the sunrays from the perforated marble screens draw geometrical designs and floral patterns on the calm marble floors.

[Unfortunately, many of the Hyderabadis are unaware of its existence, even the Google Maps shows a more complicated route; which leads to a graveyard instead. The best way to make to Paigah Tombs is to hire an auto from Yakutpura Railway Station to Owaisi Hospital, Santosh Nagar. The tombs are located in the lane opposite to the hospital.]

Monday, October 10, 2011

Bye! Bye! Durga Puja...

It arrived and passed, like the past years. With all the thrills, joys and celebrations casketed in sweet lil’ boxes with silver foil and given away; life is back to regular activities. (Huh!)

And, my usual rambling started...

This is first, in three years, when I was left home alone after ‘Az’ has dumped me out. I tried to break free often but no avail. Sit back home, stared the walls, watched porn, and slept for hours. Next time, dear lord, please do not visit because occasions make me ‘sick’ and ‘lonely’.

Planning to re-work on my sagging blog posts; what do you feel?